All of a sudden we’re in April. Things are hotting up – just time for a little retrospective on the first day of the month.
Gardens can be strange places. They attract all sorts of weird fauna, including humans. Imagine my horror one morning. I had strolled around the garden – taking the scenic route to the Back Yard – complete with a laundry-filled basket. As I reached the washing line I was met by the following scene. A pack of hunting, fish-blood thirsty, otters, a giant heron, but worst of all – Donald Trump on a Segway, hell-bent on turning my little stretch of water into a mini-golf course – a treble threat to my pond. Otters and herons I could cope with, but a Donald?
There was only one thing for it:Donald was duly despatched by a member of my feline hunting pack but, rather than devour its prey on the spot, as my cats are known to do, this hunter took one bite, shook his head in disgust and walked away. There was nothing for it – I had to deal with the corpse. I fetched a spade and a wheelbarrow. As I returned to the scene of the kill, the sun broke through the clouds. The Donald started to jerk and fizz, puffs of smoke rose from his chest, and before I could say ‘Dunes of Scotland’, all that remained of the Donald was a pile of vile-smelling black ash.
Some garden visitors are more demanding than others, and some are downright troublesome. Knitting red carpets, buying suitable Tupperware containers, and cutting rind-less cucumber sandwiches into perfect triangles, were just three of the arduous preparation chores.
I had told my wwoofers to retire to their sheds as soon as the Royal party arrived, but there’s always one, isn’t there? – deciding to make the garden look untidy. On the plus side, the Royal yacht, anchored in Tresta Voe, looked picturesque.
I had been led to believe that the prince was to accompany the monarch, but there was no sign of him. “Philip likes to make himself useful”, answered the Queen, as I enquired as to her husband’s whereabouts. He had come, I was told, to Shetland for the sole purpose of inaugurating my new compost heap and had invited some undesirable guests: